Thoughts.
OUR LIVES BEGIN TO END THE DAY WE BECOME SILENT ABOUT THINGS THAT MATTER.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
8/31/2017 0 Comments It's Nicei just sent a snap to my girlfriends saying I don't think I've liked myself this much in a long time. I'm just sitting here thinking about who I am and who I'm becoming... and I really like what I see. I'm more myself than I've been in a long time. Granted, I still have a long way to go and a lot to work on, but I'm me again. I got so bogged down by bs for years. Trying to be so many things I'm not. But I've been blessed in the last two years with great friends, strong family ties, and situations that have brought me back to feeling like myself and loving myself. I feel strong again. I feel beautiful again. I feel happy again. I'm doing well, y'all. And it feels nice. Everything is going to be okay as long as I keep working hard and being honest with myself and true to my beliefs.
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8/30/2017 0 Comments First MeetingI went to my first AA meeting yesterday. It was interesting meeting the people there and hearing their stories. While I don't always agree with the way they approach addiction and such, it quickly made me think about my higher power and all the blessings I've received. It made me glad that I pray each day and it reminded me that even though my houses got me to the place I am today, I've been quite gifted along the way.
Nate is someone I met simply because I'm hard headed and said I would lead a club even though I had no idea what I was doing. He came to the first meeting and kept coming back despite my disorganization as a leader. Then, he just happened to sit upstairs around the people I would hang out with between classes. It blows my mind that now we're so close and if he hadn't been persistent in finding an LGBT club on campus, we might not've become what we are today. While my family has always been pretty close, I had no idea growing up that I had so much in common with my aunts and they'd reach out in such a way that I'd one day be able to call for help like I have. I always saw my dad as such a clean cut guy, but now every time I go through something, he's right there with me in whatever way he can be. He gives advice, relates to me, and constantly reminds me that he's grown into the man he is today because he knew the kind of person he wanted to be and worked towards that. Frick! That's not so hard; I can do that too! I mean... this might all be gibberish and most of it sounds like pretty standard stuff, but I'm still so grateful for it all. It's just... so beautiful to me. The life I've built so far may not be where I thought I'd be at 25, but now that I'm here I'm glad this is my life. Even with my recent mishaps that will make things harder, I'm appreciative of where I am. One day, my story will be a tale of conquering the everyday crap we all go through and I'll be proud of it. 8/26/2017 2 Comments ChangeSome wild things have happened this week. As a result, I've decided to quit drinking for a while. I don't know how long this will continue, but I have to make sure my head is in the right place before I will allow myself to start back. Along with that, I have to take a bit to figure out how to get my future pointed in the direction I want to go. Shreveport may be home, but this is not a place I plan to stay forever. Nate and I have put a two year limit on our time here. After that we plan to move. Right now we're just looking at places, nothing is set in stone except for the fact that we're getting out of here.
On another note, my car will be out of commission for a bit. A big thanks to my family and friends that have been there this week. I'm so blessed with love and acceptance. I truly wouldn't be where I am without y'all. Finally, I'd like to say thanks to one of my best friends, Nayyar, for picking up his phone and messaging me. Wow. Thanks. Keep it up... seriously though. 11/6/2016 0 Comments Season of ChaosRight now, I believe I'm going through a season of change. There are a lot of things happening in my life and I’m kind of freaking out about some of them.
I’m getting a new roommate. One of my two best friends in the whole world is moving home! I am supposed to graduate in a 6 weeks. A close friend told me he doesn’t think he can be my friend because I’m a girl…? I’m going to court for that DWI in a week. And the last thing, the biggest thing… I can’t even talk about yet. (I’m not pregnant or dying so don’t worry.) I’ll be turning 25 this year. Where do I start in breaking all this down? I guess I'll start with the one I can't talk about much just to get that out of the way. So something big is happening to someone I love. It's exciting and it will be so cool, but it's freaking me out a bit. I've never been in the situation I'll be in once it happens and it will take a lot of adjusting. I'm scared, but that's all I can really say about that. Sorry for that vague bit, but yeah. Next, Brandon is moving back and I couldn't be more excited. This will be a new chapter in his life and I know we will have so much fun! Also, hopefully, faI can talk him into joining my clan. We'll see how that goes. Haha. I'm supposed to finish school in something like 6 weeks. I'm freaking out about that because I was supposed to graduate in May of 2014... that's a while ago! I'm terrified that I'll do something to screw this up. A family member loaned me money for this semester! IF I DON'T GRADUATE, IT'S LIKE I'M WASTING THEIR MONEY!!! I am constantly terrified about this. Also, I need to get a job. I need to not have classes anymore and to have a degree so that I can get a legitimate job! I need something that pays me enough to take care of my bills and allows me to be financially independent!! I want to move in TWO YEARS! I need a job that allows me to scrape by day to day and save money so I can move away from this place!!!!! Louisiana will always be my home, but oh my gosh! I am so freaking ready to branch out and explore life in other places. I'm getting a new roommate! When I renew my lease, Dionna will be my new roommate! I'm really excited. I think it will be fun. AND we will be switching units so I can have a room without these obnoxious closets!!! YAAAAY! I don't care how many people would appreciate the extra storage space. I don't care that it'll be a hassle to move my furniture and all that. I can't handle these closets. I hate them. So I'm excited to be switching units and all that. We should still be in this same area of the complex and all that so you guys won't have to worry about finding our new place. Sigh... my friend told me he doesn't think he can be my pal because I'm a girl. This really upset me. I freaking cried and I never cry. Him telling me that made me face what I already know, that I value his friendship so freaking much. I called him and yelled at him, then calmed down, but I'm still upset. He said he'd get back to me and I really hope he changes his mind because I think his reasoning behind this is ill conceived. I'm going to court for my DWI in about a week and I'm terrified that will end badly. That's all there is to that. Finally, I am turning 25 this year. I still feel young and I still feel as if I have plenty of time to do the things that I want to do with life… For the most part. However, I still have to deal with the fact that I'm not where I thought I would be at the age of 25. I am just now finishing school. I am just under 40 pounds overweight. I am not financially independent. And of the relationships I have been in, the person that I like the most was an abusive asshole. Sometimes I sit around and wonder if I will ever love someone that unconditionally again. But then I start thinking wow, I need to love myself that unconditionally. I have come so far in the last year. I really hope that I can continue to grow at this rate or faster in the coming year. I think this year has been a success and that next year will be as well. Despite the couple areas of change that I'm scared of right now, I really think most of this will end well. 10/8/2016 0 Comments It's been a while...It's been a long time since I last posted on here. I don't care. I'm jumping right in. Here we go...
So I'm talking to a friend today and he tells me that he was down the other night because he feels he's changed in some bad ways. I respond saying that change brings about progress. Then he says good change brings progress... but I'm going to have to call BS on that. Let me break this down for you: First of all, you are NINETEEN years old. You haven't even lived enough to make an adequate amount bad changes in your life to understand what "bad" really is! You haven’t gotten anyone pregnant. You don’t have a drug or drinking problem. You are not only IN school, but you are there on a full scholarship. You are in good standing with your family, your friends, your grades, etc… Shut the hell up about bad changes! Stop being ego! You are a stereotypical “good kid”. That's that! Second, don't come to me acting like because I'm a positive person that I haven't dealt with my own trash. I have made quite a few crummy choices in my life. My plan was to be graduated by 21/22, out of Louisiana by 25, hopefully dating a cool guy, maybe talking about marriage, in a career/in or starting grad school... but nope. Instead, I wasted time following a boy. Then, I wasted some more time taking care of another boy. I am about to be 25, just now graduating college, in debt, fighting a DWI (.087 I'll get to that later...), just getting a job, 30 lbs overweight, just getting some solid footing in life! HOWEVER, all my bad choices, my bad changes have brought me to who I am today. I don't know if I'd be as strong as I am without those choices. But here I am! On the other side of all my bad changes, my bad choices.. head held high and proud of who I am. I have fought my way out of depression, anger, heartbreak, and more. None of that was easy. Each step of the way felt like hell. But I recognized that change brings about progress, so I sought out change. I sought out progress. I'm starting to understand and care about myself again. I've had to relearn how to love who I am no matter what. I've had to relearn how to trust myself and stop second guessing every decision I make. I've had to redo so many things in my life!!!! I've only been single for seven months of my entire adult life!!! When I called my dad and told him I'd broken up with the last guy I dated, he said something along the lines of Finally! You've never been single before! My dad said that to me! SO DO NOT TELL ME THAT ONLY GOOD CHANGE BRINGS ABOUT PROGRESS! Bad changes might not be the most direct route, but sometimes you have to shake things up before they can really get better. That's my rant at my buddy for now. I have a ton to update everyone on and share. I have to get ready for work now, but I promise to get back to this blog. It's freeing. I miss you people, whoever you are... if you're even there. Thanks everybody! I love you! Also, I know I'm roasting my friend for being a kid when I am also still a kid, but just let me have this one. We all go through crap. The point is to keep moving forward. Keep changing. Keep progressing. 2/27/2016 0 Comments A Step Towards MeI did something last night that might have been really stupid... I broke up with one of the coolest people I've ever known simply because I need time to myself.
He is understandably upset with me and might never give me another chance, but that is a chance I have to take. I should've done this before now, but I was too scared to step out on my own. However, I've accepted that if I don't take time now, I probably never will and then I'll live in regret my whole life because I hold grudges like my life depends on it (even against myself). I started this blog to help me be honest and accountable with myself and everyone else so I want to talk about this life choice I've made on here, but I'm not really sure what to say yet. So for now I'll just leave this here with a promise to come back and explain more once I get my thoughts together. 10/26/2015 0 Comments SexismThis past Tuesday, my teacher starts class by saying we are going to discuss gender inequality. As soon as she starts talking, I don't like what is being said but I keep in mind that she's speaking in a general sense and isn't stating these [behaviors] are the right way to go about raising a child. Then, she opens the floor for discussion. She asks us something like "Would you let your son take ballet?" and says she wants the guys to go first since women are generally more progressive. (Okay, I'm fine with that. Plus, there are only a handful of guys present that day so it shouldn't even take that long.) The guys start talking and about half of them say yes they would let their son take ballet while the other half say something along the lines of "yeah, because my son will be a player" (EXCUSE ME?!? ARE YOU CUSSING KIDDING ME?!?) or "no, hell no [insert generally homophobic reason here]". *DEEP BREATHES* "Maybe they don't know any better?" I think to myself. Then, I have to sit there listening to things like: "I don't want my son to be girly" "I don't want my son to be associated with that" "I'd slap my son's face" and more from the WOMEN in my class. Uummm... I can feel my face becoming flushed with frustration. My friend next to me raises her hand and asks what everyone is so afraid of. She follows with something like, "Are you guys afraid of your sons being homosexual?" And the common answer from people saying they wouldn't want their sons in ballet is YES! So I finally raise my hand and say something like:
As soon as I stopped talking, people started disagreeing with what I said. Here's the thing though... THIS. IS. SCIENCE. Here's an article. Our kids know what we teach them! It might seem cute or funny or cool to teach your son to "be a man" by "picking up girls" or something like that, but teaching half the earth's population that it's okay to objectify women or that they need to pursue women at such a young age and/or that it's not okay to express themselves in a gentle way because they must be tough... these aren't okay. Kids need time to be just that... kids. When we teach boys to be aggressive and girls to be submissive, we end up with statistics like THIS and that's not okay. I'm not even simply talking about men raping women. Men who are sexual assault victims are less likely to report or disclose than women. Research estimates as 1 in 6 men have been sexually abused before the age of 18, but most end up not reporting it and some don't even consider it abuse afterwards because of how we teach boys/men to think and approach sex, etc. ("Researchers use “sexual abuse” to describe experiences in which children are subjected to unwanted sexual contact involving force, threats, or a large age difference between the child and the other person..." CITATION)
So far I've only been using statistics from within the United States. If you look at sexism in a global capacity, it's scary how the numbers add up. Recently, I was informed that sex determination of a fetus is illegal in India because there is a ban on sex selection there! That is a thing that has to be regulated in there! I'm not saying India is full of monsters. I'm simply pointing out an example of the worldwide stigma attached to women! There's a movement called the Everyday Sexism Project that was started in 2012 by Laura Bates. It's still alive and kicking on Twitter. Check out @everydaysexism on Twitter for a glimpse of sexism happening around the world ranging from catcalls to some serious [stuff]. Check out their website or this article to see a variety of posts made from 2012-2014. Oh, and by the way, female circumcision is a real thing, too, in case you were unaware of that. There is no medical reason for this! NONE!! "The practice is mostly carried out by traditional circumcisers, who often play other central roles in communities, such as attending childbirths. However, more than 18% of all FGM [female genital mutilation] is performed by health care providers, and the trend towards medicalization is increasing" CITATION. Some countries are taking action against this while others aren't. In February of this year, Newsweek even put out and article on the rise of female genital mutilation in the US! Read the article HERE. You can't tell me sexism isn't a thing or that it's stupid or anything really. I know sexism is ever present so far and it's disgusting!! I've literally had to fuss at kids (within the last year) for saying some incredibly sexist things and they don't even know what they're saying or why it's so mean! They've been taught (by parents, school, other kids, tv, whatever) that it's funny/okay to joke like that and say those things. Children know what we as a society teach them. If we want sexist assholes to roam the world, we can keep doing what we're doing. However, if we want change to happen, we need to change how we raise our children. That's where it all starts! Don't raise your sons and daughters a certain way because you are trying to mold them into heterosexuals. They are what they are regardless. (Also, for those of you who believe it's wrong for whatever reason, you can explain that belief your child without being sexist, oppressive, or an asshole... That IS possible.) Wouldn't it be better to focus on raising our children to be nice, kind, upstanding global citizens? Wouldn't it be better to focus on teaching children to solve problems without violence and how to communicate clearly and how to empathize and altruism? 10/4/2015 0 Comments It's TimeSo here we are, 2 months after my last post. A lot of things have happened.
Here’s a short update: I’m back in school full-time. YAY! I love my major now (Sociology). I’ve made some new friends and that’s exciting! I am now PRESIDENT of the Gay-Straight Alliance at LSUS!! As of yesterday, I am also the Vice President of LSUS’s Student Organizations Council (SOC). [End of short update] My goal as President of the Gay-Straight Alliance (GSA) is that I want to make our campus a safe and open place for everybody. If you are someone who doesn’t like that, here’s an idea: next time you get upset about “those gays” or whatever, go put yourself in a closet and hide who you really are for a while. It’s not a fun thing to do. Being able to express who you are and voice your opinions is important. If you are someone who doesn’t like the LGBT* community or someone who just doesn’t like rainbows, here’s a fair warning… get ready. I want to make the GSA visible on our campus. Let’s make equality the standard and acceptance the norm. Also, I’ve decided I’m over hating myself and my body for being “chubby” (or whatever you want to call it) right now. I am working on improving myself and my life one thing at a time and I care about other things more soooo yeah. I just don’t give a cuss anymore. I’ll get to that when I’m ready and until then, I like myself. WHICH IS EXCITING! I’ve wanted to talk about this next thing for a while now, but didn’t know how to go about it. I was worried that I’d be taken the wrong way or some BS like that, but I don’t care anymore. This is my opinion and I want to share it. So here we go… Feminism… I just finished the book We Should All Be Feminists by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichi. It was such a great read. It’s a speech she gave for a TED Talk. In her speech, she talks about being called a feminist for the first time when she was young and not knowing what that word meant. She went home and looked it up and the definition she found said: “Feminist: a person who believes in the social, political, and economic equality of the sexes”. That’s the definition I use when I happily identify myself as a feminist. I’m not pulling for a matriarchy or against shaving my armpits or things like that. (I mean, to each their own, but I like smooth armpits.) Feminism is a movement that is about the equality of sexes. When I have kids, I want my son to express his feelings, be sensitive, and be respectful of everyone. If he like the arts and playing with dolls, that’s wonderful. If he likes sports and being dirty, okay. If he likes both, even better. I don’t give a rat’s ass if he’s “manly” or not. Also, I want my daughter to be tough and opinionated. I want her to fight for what she believes in and be whoever she wants to be. If that means she wants to play football, great; be a ballerina, wonderful; be a scientist, fantastic! I know that means I’ll have a tough and busy life as a parent, but I don’t care. I want to do whatever it takes to raise strong, proud feminists because that’s where the real change will start. I don’t want people to give my daughter Barbies and cooking toys, while they give my son sports equipment and trains or whatever. That’s not cool. Kids are born with personalities, yes, but we shape who they become with how we socialize them and what we teach them! 8/7/2015 0 Comments Where Do I Even Start?Like I posted earlier, I have quite a bit to catch up on, but I have no clue where to start... so I guess I'll just dive in and hope for the best. Where should I start..? Oh, I know... I cut a chunk out of my thumb with a freaking potato peeler!! It was traumatizing. Although it wasn't insanely deep, I had a pretty significant little gash in my thumb that caused much pain and inconvenience for over a week. The best part of it all was when a friend of mine said it was a blood sacrifice at the altar of veggies; the price I must pay for a healthier diet. Ha! Price paid! Why am I mangling my tiny thumb? Well, I've been feeling really crappy lately. I get so ill/sick every day! I've done a lot of research and spoken with my nutritionist. My symptoms all point to leaky gut syndrome and it's just as gross as it sounds. This comes from constantly eating crap and not eating enough healthy, healing things to counteract the damage done by the craaap. So there it is! I've actually been eating so poorly for the majority of the last two-three years that I am now sick from it.
I wasn't sure if I should post on it (because why would anyone care about this), but I started this blog as a way to hold myself accountable and to keep me from lying to myself and others about what's really going on in my life. Sooo there it is... I am sick. Because of my body's disrepair, I've been on cleanse for the past few days. I've been drinking green juices and only eating fresh, organic foods. I haven't had processed sugar in several days (minus an accidental cupcake that made me crash harder than I knew possible). I feel so much better and plan to continue the cleanse long term! After so many failed attempts before, I finally feel like I'm actually making progress as far as healing my gut. I know this isn't the most exciting thing ever for YOU, but it is for ME! I'll post cool things I find along the way about health and blah blah blah. (That's me getting tired of talking about that so I'll move on now.) Next, I don't know if I've said anything about the supreme court ruling on gay marriage, so I'll say this... YEEEAAAAAH! I AM SO EXCITED! SUCK. IT. BOBBY. JINDAL. CHANGE IS HAPPENING AND YOU CAN'T STOP IT! I am so excited about this positive step towards change and equality! I hope everyone celebrated that because I know I did. I got several alerts all at once about it from different apps on my phone and I literally just started screaming. Now... not to put a damper on things, but I do want to point out that this isn't the end of the fight. We still have work to do until all couples are afforded the same rights and privileges as same sex couples. Also, we still have a long way to go in regards to the protection of the lgbtq community in schools, the workplace, and everywhere else. Check out the Human Rights Campaign for more information on this. Now, let's get presidential. I took a long quiz that asked me a lot of things I had to google. However, my results were Bernie Sanders 86% and Hillary Clinton (fav) 81%. I already knew I was going to vote democrat, but I guess this narrows the list down a bit. Haha. I'm doing quite a bit of research on where each of these candidates currently stand and where they've previously stood on the issues that matter most to me. I'm learning about their stances on the issues that matter less to me in the process, but I've got until (some time between) January 5th - March 1st of 2016 to decide.
Ummm... but can someone tell me why we still have state representatives voting for the president instead of actual US citizens each having an actual say in who becomes president? I mean... If this is a stupid question, please tell me and then tell me WHY. But until someone can explain to me why having representatives VOTE FOR US makes more sense IN THIS DAY AND AGE I'm going to continue to say it's stupid. It makes me feel as if my vote really doesn't mean all that much. Granted, I'm still going to vote. I can't be stopped in this election. I'm just wondering why we still use a presidential voting system designed by people who used horses as their means of speedy transportation. Next item on the list, I FINISHED MY SUMMER CLASSES! I made a B in both classes, which isn't too shabby. I think two B's is a pretty good start after taking almost six months off. I'm excited to say that I'm taking a full schedule this Fall. My classes are mostly sociology and one French class. I CAN'T WAIT TO LEARN FRENCH! Also, I am working on improving my creaky, old duplex. If anyone in the SBC area has a bookshelf they want to get rid of, text me. Weeeell, I hate to close on that note, but I'm getting super tired and this entry is getting pretty long. I'll get back on later to rant about some more things and talk about others. Thanks for reading! 8/7/2015 0 Comments Update |
I'm spent.I feel so spent right now. I cried a couple times today, not because anyone was mean or they upset me. I cried because a friend and I talked about a couple things lately that've been hard for me. Today was a good day until I cried... since then I've been mostly exhausted.
I know that crying is a normal thing people do and it can sometimes make people feel better. However, it is not a normal thing for me. Crying physically exhausts me. It emotionally exhausts me. If I were to sit around one day and cry off and on all day, I would probably need a full day afterwards to sleep it all off. I've had people say things like "It's not healthy to never cry" or "You need to allow yourself to feel your feelings/process your feelings/etc"... all of that might be true for other people, but crying all the time isn't an option for me. I feel physically ill now because I cried earlier. MY BODY DOES NOT DO WELL AFTER FEELING OVERWHELMED LIKE THAT! Recently I had I friend die. She was originally a teacher of mine, but we grew to be friends and I valued her so very much. When I found out she'd passed away, I wept. However, the crying allowed me to mourn the loss of her life and process that situation. That is one of the rare cases when crying does not wear me out. Crying then actually helped a lot. In normal situations where I have not lost something, I am usually just in a tricky situation or a stressful thing has happened, crying does not help. It stresses me out and adds to my already full plate. This is something I learned about myself today. I had an inkling before, but today really drove that inkling home. It's for sure now. |