Thoughts.
OUR LIVES BEGIN TO END THE DAY WE BECOME SILENT ABOUT THINGS THAT MATTER.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
11/6/2016 0 Comments Season of ChaosRight now, I believe I'm going through a season of change. There are a lot of things happening in my life and I’m kind of freaking out about some of them.
I’m getting a new roommate. One of my two best friends in the whole world is moving home! I am supposed to graduate in a 6 weeks. A close friend told me he doesn’t think he can be my friend because I’m a girl…? I’m going to court for that DWI in a week. And the last thing, the biggest thing… I can’t even talk about yet. (I’m not pregnant or dying so don’t worry.) I’ll be turning 25 this year. Where do I start in breaking all this down? I guess I'll start with the one I can't talk about much just to get that out of the way. So something big is happening to someone I love. It's exciting and it will be so cool, but it's freaking me out a bit. I've never been in the situation I'll be in once it happens and it will take a lot of adjusting. I'm scared, but that's all I can really say about that. Sorry for that vague bit, but yeah. Next, Brandon is moving back and I couldn't be more excited. This will be a new chapter in his life and I know we will have so much fun! Also, hopefully, faI can talk him into joining my clan. We'll see how that goes. Haha. I'm supposed to finish school in something like 6 weeks. I'm freaking out about that because I was supposed to graduate in May of 2014... that's a while ago! I'm terrified that I'll do something to screw this up. A family member loaned me money for this semester! IF I DON'T GRADUATE, IT'S LIKE I'M WASTING THEIR MONEY!!! I am constantly terrified about this. Also, I need to get a job. I need to not have classes anymore and to have a degree so that I can get a legitimate job! I need something that pays me enough to take care of my bills and allows me to be financially independent!! I want to move in TWO YEARS! I need a job that allows me to scrape by day to day and save money so I can move away from this place!!!!! Louisiana will always be my home, but oh my gosh! I am so freaking ready to branch out and explore life in other places. I'm getting a new roommate! When I renew my lease, Dionna will be my new roommate! I'm really excited. I think it will be fun. AND we will be switching units so I can have a room without these obnoxious closets!!! YAAAAY! I don't care how many people would appreciate the extra storage space. I don't care that it'll be a hassle to move my furniture and all that. I can't handle these closets. I hate them. So I'm excited to be switching units and all that. We should still be in this same area of the complex and all that so you guys won't have to worry about finding our new place. Sigh... my friend told me he doesn't think he can be my pal because I'm a girl. This really upset me. I freaking cried and I never cry. Him telling me that made me face what I already know, that I value his friendship so freaking much. I called him and yelled at him, then calmed down, but I'm still upset. He said he'd get back to me and I really hope he changes his mind because I think his reasoning behind this is ill conceived. I'm going to court for my DWI in about a week and I'm terrified that will end badly. That's all there is to that. Finally, I am turning 25 this year. I still feel young and I still feel as if I have plenty of time to do the things that I want to do with life… For the most part. However, I still have to deal with the fact that I'm not where I thought I would be at the age of 25. I am just now finishing school. I am just under 40 pounds overweight. I am not financially independent. And of the relationships I have been in, the person that I like the most was an abusive asshole. Sometimes I sit around and wonder if I will ever love someone that unconditionally again. But then I start thinking wow, I need to love myself that unconditionally. I have come so far in the last year. I really hope that I can continue to grow at this rate or faster in the coming year. I think this year has been a success and that next year will be as well. Despite the couple areas of change that I'm scared of right now, I really think most of this will end well.
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I'm spent.I feel so spent right now. I cried a couple times today, not because anyone was mean or they upset me. I cried because a friend and I talked about a couple things lately that've been hard for me. Today was a good day until I cried... since then I've been mostly exhausted.
I know that crying is a normal thing people do and it can sometimes make people feel better. However, it is not a normal thing for me. Crying physically exhausts me. It emotionally exhausts me. If I were to sit around one day and cry off and on all day, I would probably need a full day afterwards to sleep it all off. I've had people say things like "It's not healthy to never cry" or "You need to allow yourself to feel your feelings/process your feelings/etc"... all of that might be true for other people, but crying all the time isn't an option for me. I feel physically ill now because I cried earlier. MY BODY DOES NOT DO WELL AFTER FEELING OVERWHELMED LIKE THAT! Recently I had I friend die. She was originally a teacher of mine, but we grew to be friends and I valued her so very much. When I found out she'd passed away, I wept. However, the crying allowed me to mourn the loss of her life and process that situation. That is one of the rare cases when crying does not wear me out. Crying then actually helped a lot. In normal situations where I have not lost something, I am usually just in a tricky situation or a stressful thing has happened, crying does not help. It stresses me out and adds to my already full plate. This is something I learned about myself today. I had an inkling before, but today really drove that inkling home. It's for sure now. |