Thoughts.
OUR LIVES BEGIN TO END THE DAY WE BECOME SILENT ABOUT THINGS THAT MATTER.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
10/8/2016 0 Comments It's been a while...It's been a long time since I last posted on here. I don't care. I'm jumping right in. Here we go...
So I'm talking to a friend today and he tells me that he was down the other night because he feels he's changed in some bad ways. I respond saying that change brings about progress. Then he says good change brings progress... but I'm going to have to call BS on that. Let me break this down for you: First of all, you are NINETEEN years old. You haven't even lived enough to make an adequate amount bad changes in your life to understand what "bad" really is! You haven’t gotten anyone pregnant. You don’t have a drug or drinking problem. You are not only IN school, but you are there on a full scholarship. You are in good standing with your family, your friends, your grades, etc… Shut the hell up about bad changes! Stop being ego! You are a stereotypical “good kid”. That's that! Second, don't come to me acting like because I'm a positive person that I haven't dealt with my own trash. I have made quite a few crummy choices in my life. My plan was to be graduated by 21/22, out of Louisiana by 25, hopefully dating a cool guy, maybe talking about marriage, in a career/in or starting grad school... but nope. Instead, I wasted time following a boy. Then, I wasted some more time taking care of another boy. I am about to be 25, just now graduating college, in debt, fighting a DWI (.087 I'll get to that later...), just getting a job, 30 lbs overweight, just getting some solid footing in life! HOWEVER, all my bad choices, my bad changes have brought me to who I am today. I don't know if I'd be as strong as I am without those choices. But here I am! On the other side of all my bad changes, my bad choices.. head held high and proud of who I am. I have fought my way out of depression, anger, heartbreak, and more. None of that was easy. Each step of the way felt like hell. But I recognized that change brings about progress, so I sought out change. I sought out progress. I'm starting to understand and care about myself again. I've had to relearn how to love who I am no matter what. I've had to relearn how to trust myself and stop second guessing every decision I make. I've had to redo so many things in my life!!!! I've only been single for seven months of my entire adult life!!! When I called my dad and told him I'd broken up with the last guy I dated, he said something along the lines of Finally! You've never been single before! My dad said that to me! SO DO NOT TELL ME THAT ONLY GOOD CHANGE BRINGS ABOUT PROGRESS! Bad changes might not be the most direct route, but sometimes you have to shake things up before they can really get better. That's my rant at my buddy for now. I have a ton to update everyone on and share. I have to get ready for work now, but I promise to get back to this blog. It's freeing. I miss you people, whoever you are... if you're even there. Thanks everybody! I love you! Also, I know I'm roasting my friend for being a kid when I am also still a kid, but just let me have this one. We all go through crap. The point is to keep moving forward. Keep changing. Keep progressing.
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I'm spent.I feel so spent right now. I cried a couple times today, not because anyone was mean or they upset me. I cried because a friend and I talked about a couple things lately that've been hard for me. Today was a good day until I cried... since then I've been mostly exhausted.
I know that crying is a normal thing people do and it can sometimes make people feel better. However, it is not a normal thing for me. Crying physically exhausts me. It emotionally exhausts me. If I were to sit around one day and cry off and on all day, I would probably need a full day afterwards to sleep it all off. I've had people say things like "It's not healthy to never cry" or "You need to allow yourself to feel your feelings/process your feelings/etc"... all of that might be true for other people, but crying all the time isn't an option for me. I feel physically ill now because I cried earlier. MY BODY DOES NOT DO WELL AFTER FEELING OVERWHELMED LIKE THAT! Recently I had I friend die. She was originally a teacher of mine, but we grew to be friends and I valued her so very much. When I found out she'd passed away, I wept. However, the crying allowed me to mourn the loss of her life and process that situation. That is one of the rare cases when crying does not wear me out. Crying then actually helped a lot. In normal situations where I have not lost something, I am usually just in a tricky situation or a stressful thing has happened, crying does not help. It stresses me out and adds to my already full plate. This is something I learned about myself today. I had an inkling before, but today really drove that inkling home. It's for sure now. |