Thoughts.
OUR LIVES BEGIN TO END THE DAY WE BECOME SILENT ABOUT THINGS THAT MATTER.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
3/11/2019 0 Comments Quick BlipThis article is a solid read and something for us all to consider.
What hope does our economy have if the bottom 90% of our population continues to decrease in wealth? Our middle class is already hurting/disappearing. The amount of governmental regulation it would take to “stop” or even slow inflation is far more than it would take to simply help people reach a livable wage. Yeah, there are ups and downs to a mandated increase of minimum wage, but at this point something has to be done and we have to take a hit somewhere or else we are just sitting back and watching the demise of our economy. Saying we need to leave it to the companies and corporations to increase their wages is crap. Minimum wage hasn’t increased since I was 16 and there are STILL people trying to hire on employees for THAT RATE OF PAY! We’ve given these businesses a decade to do this on their own and look where we are. Our nation is hurting, just because you, your family, or your friends aren’t directly being affected, doesn’t mean it isn’t happening. Remember the world is bigger than simply your world. If we continue this every man for himself mentality, our economy and our nation as a whole will crumble.
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8/22/2018 0 Comments Change Is ComingI am often scared of change, but I continually choose to face change head on and keep moving forward. These next few months will tell how this small odd family we’ve been building will weather in hard times. After all the ups and downs faced at Ockley House, everyone is still here. That’s a good sign. I don’t know how this will play out, absolutely no clue. However, I’m more than ready to see how it all unfolds.
Fear is often mistaken as weakness, but I’ve found for me it’s simply the recognition of potential danger. I’m absolutely terrified about the changes happening in my life right now, so scared I woke up shaking this morning. However without change there isn’t really room for growth or progress. Quick recap: A five year relationship broke me down so much I didn’t know how I’d come back from it. My thoughts were spinning, “I’ve spent all my time with this one person... I built my life and my future around this one person! What on earth am I going to do?!? Where do I start? What now?!?” I was freaking out, but I recovered and came out stronger than I’d ever been. A two year relationship soon after taught me the value of speaking my mind and telling others what I want. I tried to make something shake with this nice guy. I kept thinking, “He’s so nice... how can I walk away from such a nice guy who cares about me so much?!?” But a future with him wasn’t what I wanted and in the end I learned I’m the only one who can shape my future and I have to live the life I want or else I’ll die sad, unaccomplished, and full of regret. I can’t let that happen. Now here I am after a couple years of singleness and some growth here and there. I’ll be 27 this December. Twenty-seven. This isn’t where I thought I’d be as I approached 30. Recently, I found someone who makes me feel as if the sun shines a bit brighter. While I already know everything is here for the taking as long as I have the courage to go out and grab it, with him it all feels just a little easier and less scary. Now we will see if I make them feel the same way. This could go well or it could be time to move on... these are the options in front of me once everything plays out. Defeat is not in the cards. Damage is not in the cards. My future holds growth and promise. Time will simply tell who is coming along on this great journey with me and who is not. In closing, I think the world of myself. It sounds funny, but I really do. I think I’m growing and getting better, stronger, smarter every day. I finally love myself as I am and I work towards improvement not because I’m broken, but because a life without growth is not one I want to live. No matter what happens, I will move forward and continue to live my life of praise, of love, of growth, of promise. I know I can and I will do great things. If the man I feel a way about wants to join me on this journey, that would be lovely. If not, I will still go on to live a life I enjoy and am proud of. I will still do great things. I will move on and find someone else who loves me the way I deserve to be loved because I’m awesome and nothing can stop me. 5/3/2018 0 Comments Short NonsenseYou’re such a prize to me
I hope this is worth the fight Will you ever move past this fear? It keeps me up some nights You like me though We both know it’s true I wish you weren’t scared Then you’d know what to do 2/9/2018 0 Comments Same Ole ThingShe’s really got you messed up and boy, that makes me nervous.
Will you ever be able to trust us? Or is the world now just fucked? I know you’re scared. She didn’t really care! Even though you tried, She cut it off, said goodbye. I’ve been there, fuck them! Ripping apart our lives. But that’s not who I am and that’s not how we’ll be. I'm different and I understand true loyalty. Stop and give me a chance to show you what I see... It’s your ambition, your drive... they seem to match mine! The passion you have is beautiful. Your sense, your reasons, your words and your rhythm. You’re wild and even goofy. It’s wonderful. I can’t just leave it. We care about the same things. Our sense of loyalty can’t be beat. We compliment each other. I’m funny, you’re funny! And it all comes with such ease. It won’t always be perfect. I’m sure you know that. But I’ll never stop trying, to make you laugh and smile. Eventually, I’ll ask for your life. But right now I just want time! 1/28/2018 0 Comments RadatatAm I keeping you from healing?
At this point I don’t know. I’m where they all fall, smack dab at your feet. Hoping, wishing that you’ll stay. But who am I to keep you? Should I push you away? Then again it’s not my job to caudle. I was raised to slay. I’m selfish and I am strong. I know what I want! And it’s you. My selfish side wants to make everyone else fight for it. It makes me want to tell you every feeling I have, so you know what I’m going through... So you have to decide what to do. But that’s wrong? The logical side of me says keep a level head. Don’t share too much! It’s begging me to put up a wall, to let you go out and explore! Push you to fuck that whore! The logic in me knows we all need time to find our feet and heal. But the selfish side of me wants this to be real. I want this to be as real for you as it is for me, but this is where both my sides meet. Logically I shouldn’t hold on so tight. I shouldn’t ask so much. I should insist you go out more, to talk to the slores. Ha! But selfishly here I am, telling you what I want, expressing all I feel. And while it eats me alive that you might not reciprocate, here I stay. Killing myself, burning and burying my heart just to find out. My selfish side takes over because I’ve fucking earned this. I know what I want and I fucking deserve it. I hate that we met when we did. But such is life. I’ll do this like I do everything... the hard way. I love strife. And although this is going to hurt, I’m stronger than this and I. WILL. MAKE IT. Even if it does burn. I will triumph. I will win. Whether it’s with you by my side or if I lose you in this fight, I will. still. win. Because I am me and I am awesome. It’s who I am and who I always will be. Til the day my story ends. This is what you want and probably what you need. Go sleep with others just so you can see. I’m the whole package. I’m all of it, hmm that’s me. I’d like to be here to stay but fuck around too long and I’ll be gone. I have too much to offer to stay and feel played. I can give you the moon. I‘ll help all my partners dreams come true. There’s no set time. We’ll just have to see, if this can work out and if we can be. 12/9/2017 0 Comments I Am ToughI am tough.
I know this. So many times, things happen and I think “wow I just want to cry over this” or “I just want to stay upset right now”, but then the problem arises that I am tough... I am tough and I am (mostly) logical so even when things hurt, my body and mind push me through. I sit down wanting to cry/give up on the situation, but I can’t. My body and my mind know better than these small chemical reactions we call emotions. So here I am. Here I go... onward and upward with another challenge, another adventure down the rabbit hole that may end in frustration and even potential heartache, but I know I am strong and I will push through because in the end THIS is who I am and THIS what I do.. I push through. I. KEEP. GOING. 11/3/2017 0 Comments Here We GoOkay friends, here it is...
Right now I am fighting a bogus DWI charge. Most of you probably know I got one previously and while I am grateful I recently got that one dropped, I was intoxiced that night and I shouldn’t have driven. However, this time is bs. I wasn’t drunk, not even close. I was exhausted, trying to get home but the officer had already decided I was just another drunk kid out on the town. When I tried to explain that I’m unable to pass a typical field sobriety test because of brain damage I received in Nov 2008 but am happy to take one where I’m not asked to do something I’m incapable of, he just yelled at me and said I was going to jail. This situation sucks, but it is what it is.... welcome to Shreveport I’m working now to hire an attorney that will help pull me out of this hole, but of course it’s going to cost. I’m saving every penny I make after saving for rent and bills and also trying to sell my car. My car is a bit beat up on the outside and needs an alignment, but other than that it’s in good shape. It’s a Subaru. It’ll run forever. Other than that, if anyone has some kind of odd job I can do, let me know. 9/29/2017 1 Comment Where’s the Middle Ground?Right now I’m having to learn a hard lesson, finding a balance between treating others how you want to be treated and people will treat you how you let them. I want people to be direct and understanding with me so I try to do that for others, but I’m finding over and over that people take advantage of too much understanding.
So where is it? Where is the middle ground? How do I make it understood that people have to be respectful while also being an understanding and compassionate person? As time goes on, I find myself saying more and more often “hey, I’m just an ass”, but that’s the thing... I’m not always an ass. I love helping people and being kind, but experience is really teaching me not to expect the best of people. At this point, I’m really not sure what I’m going to do to resolve the issue, but that’s what I’m going through right now and I figured I’d share it. If you have any advice, you can leave a comment. I’d love some help on this one. 9/21/2017 0 Comments What Am I Doing?Whaaaat am I doing, y'all? I'm so tired of being told so many things but no one seems to have any advice that helps. So often people can id notify what's wrong, but their advice is really just them telling you "oh just don't do it" or something like that. I'm sorry... it's not always that easy.
So so here I am... lost, afraid, and wondering Am I my mother?!? I don't know what to do next, but I'm trying to grasp reality and deal with it in a logical and sensible way. 9/15/2017 0 Comments I ApologizeI'm sorry I can't change how you want me to. I'm sorry I don't think your methods are what're best for me. I'm sorry you think I lie and scheme, that I manipulate. I'm sorry you see so much of her in me.
It's true. I am quite a bit like her, but I'm also like him. And the traits he gave me allowed me to wake up at a young age. It allowed me to analyze the world around me and learn about myself. So what have I learned so far? I've learned that I'm tough, hard headed, smart, crazy, beautiful, creative, trusting, and sometimes naive. I have a hero complex and it's gotten me in trouble a few times. I know I have to set limits for myself and I must have a fast learning curve when I make mistakes because there's little time for error when you have an addictive personality, like me. I know I have to stay self aware and listen to the ones who love me when they point out mistakes because ignoring them can be devastating. I know you aren't around to see the good, but it's there. I'm growing. I'm learning. I'm figuring this all out. I have a long way to go, but I'm going. You think I'm doing some every day scheming and white lies and such, but I try my hardest not to do that. I'm out here trying to be as honest as life will allow. But that's okay. You think what you want. I'll be over here trying to live my life as best I can and move forward with my plans as time and money will allow. I love you no matter what and I know you love me too. |
I'm spent.I feel so spent right now. I cried a couple times today, not because anyone was mean or they upset me. I cried because a friend and I talked about a couple things lately that've been hard for me. Today was a good day until I cried... since then I've been mostly exhausted.
I know that crying is a normal thing people do and it can sometimes make people feel better. However, it is not a normal thing for me. Crying physically exhausts me. It emotionally exhausts me. If I were to sit around one day and cry off and on all day, I would probably need a full day afterwards to sleep it all off. I've had people say things like "It's not healthy to never cry" or "You need to allow yourself to feel your feelings/process your feelings/etc"... all of that might be true for other people, but crying all the time isn't an option for me. I feel physically ill now because I cried earlier. MY BODY DOES NOT DO WELL AFTER FEELING OVERWHELMED LIKE THAT! Recently I had I friend die. She was originally a teacher of mine, but we grew to be friends and I valued her so very much. When I found out she'd passed away, I wept. However, the crying allowed me to mourn the loss of her life and process that situation. That is one of the rare cases when crying does not wear me out. Crying then actually helped a lot. In normal situations where I have not lost something, I am usually just in a tricky situation or a stressful thing has happened, crying does not help. It stresses me out and adds to my already full plate. This is something I learned about myself today. I had an inkling before, but today really drove that inkling home. It's for sure now. |