Thoughts.
OUR LIVES BEGIN TO END THE DAY WE BECOME SILENT ABOUT THINGS THAT MATTER.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
9/15/2017 0 Comments I ApologizeI'm sorry I can't change how you want me to. I'm sorry I don't think your methods are what're best for me. I'm sorry you think I lie and scheme, that I manipulate. I'm sorry you see so much of her in me.
It's true. I am quite a bit like her, but I'm also like him. And the traits he gave me allowed me to wake up at a young age. It allowed me to analyze the world around me and learn about myself. So what have I learned so far? I've learned that I'm tough, hard headed, smart, crazy, beautiful, creative, trusting, and sometimes naive. I have a hero complex and it's gotten me in trouble a few times. I know I have to set limits for myself and I must have a fast learning curve when I make mistakes because there's little time for error when you have an addictive personality, like me. I know I have to stay self aware and listen to the ones who love me when they point out mistakes because ignoring them can be devastating. I know you aren't around to see the good, but it's there. I'm growing. I'm learning. I'm figuring this all out. I have a long way to go, but I'm going. You think I'm doing some every day scheming and white lies and such, but I try my hardest not to do that. I'm out here trying to be as honest as life will allow. But that's okay. You think what you want. I'll be over here trying to live my life as best I can and move forward with my plans as time and money will allow. I love you no matter what and I know you love me too.
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I'm spent.I feel so spent right now. I cried a couple times today, not because anyone was mean or they upset me. I cried because a friend and I talked about a couple things lately that've been hard for me. Today was a good day until I cried... since then I've been mostly exhausted.
I know that crying is a normal thing people do and it can sometimes make people feel better. However, it is not a normal thing for me. Crying physically exhausts me. It emotionally exhausts me. If I were to sit around one day and cry off and on all day, I would probably need a full day afterwards to sleep it all off. I've had people say things like "It's not healthy to never cry" or "You need to allow yourself to feel your feelings/process your feelings/etc"... all of that might be true for other people, but crying all the time isn't an option for me. I feel physically ill now because I cried earlier. MY BODY DOES NOT DO WELL AFTER FEELING OVERWHELMED LIKE THAT! Recently I had I friend die. She was originally a teacher of mine, but we grew to be friends and I valued her so very much. When I found out she'd passed away, I wept. However, the crying allowed me to mourn the loss of her life and process that situation. That is one of the rare cases when crying does not wear me out. Crying then actually helped a lot. In normal situations where I have not lost something, I am usually just in a tricky situation or a stressful thing has happened, crying does not help. It stresses me out and adds to my already full plate. This is something I learned about myself today. I had an inkling before, but today really drove that inkling home. It's for sure now. |