Thoughts.
OUR LIVES BEGIN TO END THE DAY WE BECOME SILENT ABOUT THINGS THAT MATTER.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
8/22/2018 0 Comments Change Is ComingI am often scared of change, but I continually choose to face change head on and keep moving forward. These next few months will tell how this small odd family we’ve been building will weather in hard times. After all the ups and downs faced at Ockley House, everyone is still here. That’s a good sign. I don’t know how this will play out, absolutely no clue. However, I’m more than ready to see how it all unfolds.
Fear is often mistaken as weakness, but I’ve found for me it’s simply the recognition of potential danger. I’m absolutely terrified about the changes happening in my life right now, so scared I woke up shaking this morning. However without change there isn’t really room for growth or progress. Quick recap: A five year relationship broke me down so much I didn’t know how I’d come back from it. My thoughts were spinning, “I’ve spent all my time with this one person... I built my life and my future around this one person! What on earth am I going to do?!? Where do I start? What now?!?” I was freaking out, but I recovered and came out stronger than I’d ever been. A two year relationship soon after taught me the value of speaking my mind and telling others what I want. I tried to make something shake with this nice guy. I kept thinking, “He’s so nice... how can I walk away from such a nice guy who cares about me so much?!?” But a future with him wasn’t what I wanted and in the end I learned I’m the only one who can shape my future and I have to live the life I want or else I’ll die sad, unaccomplished, and full of regret. I can’t let that happen. Now here I am after a couple years of singleness and some growth here and there. I’ll be 27 this December. Twenty-seven. This isn’t where I thought I’d be as I approached 30. Recently, I found someone who makes me feel as if the sun shines a bit brighter. While I already know everything is here for the taking as long as I have the courage to go out and grab it, with him it all feels just a little easier and less scary. Now we will see if I make them feel the same way. This could go well or it could be time to move on... these are the options in front of me once everything plays out. Defeat is not in the cards. Damage is not in the cards. My future holds growth and promise. Time will simply tell who is coming along on this great journey with me and who is not. In closing, I think the world of myself. It sounds funny, but I really do. I think I’m growing and getting better, stronger, smarter every day. I finally love myself as I am and I work towards improvement not because I’m broken, but because a life without growth is not one I want to live. No matter what happens, I will move forward and continue to live my life of praise, of love, of growth, of promise. I know I can and I will do great things. If the man I feel a way about wants to join me on this journey, that would be lovely. If not, I will still go on to live a life I enjoy and am proud of. I will still do great things. I will move on and find someone else who loves me the way I deserve to be loved because I’m awesome and nothing can stop me.
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
I'm spent.I feel so spent right now. I cried a couple times today, not because anyone was mean or they upset me. I cried because a friend and I talked about a couple things lately that've been hard for me. Today was a good day until I cried... since then I've been mostly exhausted.
I know that crying is a normal thing people do and it can sometimes make people feel better. However, it is not a normal thing for me. Crying physically exhausts me. It emotionally exhausts me. If I were to sit around one day and cry off and on all day, I would probably need a full day afterwards to sleep it all off. I've had people say things like "It's not healthy to never cry" or "You need to allow yourself to feel your feelings/process your feelings/etc"... all of that might be true for other people, but crying all the time isn't an option for me. I feel physically ill now because I cried earlier. MY BODY DOES NOT DO WELL AFTER FEELING OVERWHELMED LIKE THAT! Recently I had I friend die. She was originally a teacher of mine, but we grew to be friends and I valued her so very much. When I found out she'd passed away, I wept. However, the crying allowed me to mourn the loss of her life and process that situation. That is one of the rare cases when crying does not wear me out. Crying then actually helped a lot. In normal situations where I have not lost something, I am usually just in a tricky situation or a stressful thing has happened, crying does not help. It stresses me out and adds to my already full plate. This is something I learned about myself today. I had an inkling before, but today really drove that inkling home. It's for sure now. |